First Minister's Questions

Editor's note:
This post was written in late March 2012, following a First Ministers Questions where Johann Lamont brought to the chamber 2 pensioners who had experienced difficulties getting blankets whilst in hospital. This cynical attempt to embarass the covernment backfired completely.

PRESIDING OFFICER: We now move to First Minister's Questions. Question number one, Johann Lamont.

JOHANN LAMONT: Thank you very much, Presiding Officer. Can I ask the First Minister what engagements he has planned for the rest of the day?

PRESIDING OFFICER: First Minister.

ALEX SALMOND: Welcoming the announcement of hundreds of new jobs, and generally making Scotland a much better place to live and work, as per usual.

JOHANN LAMONT: That's all very nice, but the increasing number of Scottish hospital toilets left unflushed are not so nice, particularly those containing wee joabies. Can the First Minister explain the two-fold increase in hospital floaters since this SNP Government came to power?

ALEX SALMOND: Might I just say to Ms. Lamont, in the kindest possible way, that given the collection of MSP sitting behind her, the subject of wee joabies may not be the safest for her to mention. I would add that the subject of floaters might be best taken up with the management of the hospitals concerned, rather that being brought to the Scottish Parliament.

JOHANN LAMONT: As usual, the First Minister tries to avoid the question put to him. So I will put it to him again. How does he explain the massive increase in floater incidents that has been recorded by Glasgow Health Board over the last few years. And when is he going to finally take action on this most urgent and important of matters.

ALEX SALMOND: I would caution Ms. Lamont, in the kindest possible and most gentle manner, to ensure that she has her facts right before making these accusations. After all, she will be aware that her Health Spokesperson made a statement only last month concerning bears shitting in the woods, only to be reminded that the last wild bear in Scotland was killed years ago by a previous Conservative administration, and that her own party did nothing to protect these animals at the time of their extinction.

As I pointed out to Ms. Baillie at the time, several previously extinct species have been reintroduced by this administration, from the otter to the timber wolf, but the reintroduction of the bear would require land reform only possible with the full powers of an independent nation. We are still waiting for Ms. Baillie's apology for this gaffe.

JOHANN LAMONT:Yet again, the first minister avoids answering the question. Well, my constituent, Mrs. Ephemia MacLumpher, a 98 year old pensioner and great grandmother from Paisley, would like to hear the First Minister's answer. She was confronted by one of these floaters when trying to use a hospital toilet last week. And Effie and her husband, Jock, are sitting in the visitor's gallery right now.

What is more, I have the offending toly right here in my hand, as indisputable proof of the callous disregard paid by this government to the very real problem of hospital-based flushing failures.

ALEX SALMOND: I would very very gently ask Ms. Lamont to put the offending log away as it is stinking out the front benches and, frankly, does nothing to advance her argument. My Health Minister and I would be more than happy to meet with Mr. and Mrs. MacLumpher, after this session is complete, and as soon as the opposition leader has washed her hands.

And finally, can I implore Ms Lamont to keep this sort of shite for her party conferences, and away from The Scottish Parliament which has more weighty matters to discuss.

Johann Lamont, "What is more, I have the offending toly right here in my hand"